I Expected

The seventeenth year of my life
Like a puzzle missing pieces
As the candy with a mystery flavor
An ever-evolving child

I had expected to be a fictional character
A Lord of Demons
An Emperor of Dragons
Someone of immense power
A man of legends and myths

I had not expected to be vulgar
A Lord of Jokes
An Emperor of Perverts
Someone of ridicule
A man of puns and limericks

Now I expect to be someone better
A learner, but mostly a teacher
One who could enlighten others
Enlightening myself on the way
A man of literature and creativity

I dream of having a family
A daughter named Arrianna
My baby girl who runs to me for help
The father who can always be proud
When I see her every moment

I dream of a perfect marriage
Being able to talk and not scheme
Together for ourselves and our child
The kind of love that lasts
Longer than 'til death do us part'

With my expectations thrashed
I rely on my dreams
Now they become my expectations
And all I can do now
Is to work hard for a better life

I won't have my dreams ruined
No being can take them from me
I'll strive for myself
For my future daughter and wife
I'll have my happiness one day

- Winter '04


I Expected, pt. 2

The twenty-second year of my life
And it feels like no different
Then the seventeenth year
Stuck in the same rut

I had expected to have done something
To have a career
A wife who loves me
Living in suburbia
Anticipating a child

I had not expected to be the same
To have no degree
A lonely heart
Living with my parents
Anticipating failure

Now I expect it won't change
To do the same things over
Never knowing how it feels
To live how I want
I won't achieve my dreams

I still dream of having a family
My beautiful daughter and wife
Whom I love more than anything
Being the perfect father and husband
And dedicating myself to them

I have nightmares about my dreams
Because everytime I get close
Something comes along and ruins it
And I have to start over again
Hurting more and more

These were my expectations
And now they are only my dreams
Because I expect them to never come true
And all I can do
Is to pray that I am wrong

I want my dreams to come true
It is all I ever want
And I will find them
My future daughter and wife
I'll have my happiness one day

- Jan '10

I Remember

I remember the fragrant shampoo in her long, curly hair.
The tears in her eyes fell onto my shoulder, creating a small puddle.
I remember the way that last kiss had my taste buds in a frenzy.
The way her stifling sniffles and whimperings made me want to stay.
I remember looking deep in her tearing eyes and saying, "I miss you already."
She pulled me tight and I could feel her heart beating next to mine.
I remember the sudden beeping of my watch, telling me my time was up.
Savoring that last kiss, I knew I had to have one more before I left.
I remember the scent of my aftershave being rubbed off for her to remember me by.
Watching her wave goodbye made me wish these next ten weeks will be over soon.

- Winter '04

My Angels

Ever since the end, I've spiraled down
Farther and farther, nearing the ground
Just before I reach the bottom
Angels grabbed me up to slow my fall
It's to them I owe it all

Amanda who first gave me hope
Befriended me admist my mope
She made me smile again
I had felt that in weeks
A grin that strained my cheeks

Then there was my playful lil' Kitten
In the past, I felt love smitten
I tried to spark things once more
But our love had grew into something new
A deep friendship I owe all to you

To my friends whom live far away
Dessy and Kiki, a homage I must pay
You listened and gave me companionship
An early morning text to start my life
Forcing me to smile to end my strife

And lastly to the new woman I've met
Natasha, I want to live without regret
It's why I hold onto you and pray for more
I'm not sure what's to become of us
I want to find out and try. So thus,

I thank you all for giving me meaning again

- Jan '10

Our Mix Together

There are things I can never forget over this past year and a half. The way we had fun, flirted. We felt the crushcrushcrush-ing of our hearts and had to have each other. You glanced at me for years, and I never knew. I thought of you and teased on the car rides home, but you never knew.

I was your friend, your shoulder, your love. You came to me with your broken heart, I mended it, and then grew with it. You came to me at night and I held you in my arms, never wanting to let go. You took me as I am, and for that I am grateful. Unseperable, we stayed like that for the rest of our lives together.

Enduring a new home, it brought us closer together. Living fast, who knew that it we burned from both ends? Every day, every night together. Serenading you, lady, it was all I ever wanted. I had finally found a love I could be open with and share.

Growing together, we were intimate and playful. Crossing new bridges, we were like animals. Each moment was bliss, each moment I wrapped myself in. These were the days that I lived for and nothing else. You were my only. You were my all.

But there was something that held you back. Something that you kept hidden. At rare moments, you would try and explain and I would try to understand. Your feelings I couldn't decode, and that's when things began to wither. Insecurities went rampant, and I didn't know what to do. I made many mistakes, and so did you.

Our playtime turned into being apart. Our talks became fights. Our lives were meaningless together. That's what you get when you live too fast in the moment. Too much in too little time. Too often together without knowing who we really are, or who the other was. Growing apart, and we did nothing to fix it.

And now I sit here alone, deep into the night. Sleep hasn't been the same; it comes briefly, but without quality. There's an emptiness inside and next to me that I can't shake to this day. Looking in the mirror, I mumble 'cry me a river.' And I have. I can still see it, but I don't add to it anymore. I refuse to let myself, but my head still goes back to those days.

I'm looking for love again, Lucky. I've put my feelings for you in a box, and stored it with the rest of my past. But with these days alone I keep returning to storage, against my will. Peaking in and remembering us. It makes me look into other boxes, and I sit down and never want to get up again. I search for peace of mind, but it's not down here. I'm looking for love again, Lucky, and I hope I will like you have.

I hope she is the one...

- Jan '10

*pats vau on the back*

A year ago on this day my Mom passed away.

I felt so lost when I came home.

I loaded Rubies and tried to play.

I wanted to lose myself in the game.

I tried to roleplay, I tried to stay.

As occupied as I could so I wouldn't stray.

My friend Chicky called upon Jy and she logged in.

Jy talked to me and helped as she talked me into logging out.

Losing myself into my bed. Crying some tears into my pillow.

Bearing down I screamed and yelled to take my frustrations out.

As Jy had said it's better to vent so into my room I went.

A year had passed, I had since lost an Aunt, plus a childhood friend.

Hdoe was another great friend I lost this last year.

Plus this January I lost my cousin and best friend growing up.

Shedding tears for them I thought I could cope.

I thought it would pass. I stayed strong.

Then today came and I came back in.

To DoI I tried to lose myself.

Helping to create the game everyone wanted.

To keep away the memories that always haunted.

I felt lost as I felt betrayed by friends. I thought I had long since made.

Az and Mitt talk to me as Chicky and Jy did last year.

But here I sit, thinking of my Mom and this saddening fear.

I know she wouldn't want me to be sad.

This last year for me has been so bad.

I hope as time goes on.

I can count on Chicky, Jy, Mitt, and Az to be there to lean on.



I have had a hellish year, month, day today. I just sat down and started typing this from nothing. I do want to thank my friends and family for being there for me. I may act as the dark lord but that isn't really me.

Because I Can

People wonder and ask why I do what I do
The things I like or who
And I tell them "Because I can,
it's just who I am."
Why should I have any other reason?
It's not like I change every season
Deep down I'm the same person everyday
You've seen me do this the same way
I don't do anything for your approval
And I'm going to keep digging this hole
Digging deeper, until I find what I need
It's down here, I know it, and I can see
What you're thinking day after day
So stop, because I've heard all you can say
I'm not going to hear it
"Because I can," is all you'll get

- Feb '10

what good is victory,
tainted by defeat?
those lies and lessons,
you spun for greed.

I'll admit I loved you,
once or twice.


that quickly thinned.


I liked living in the gutter,
don't get me wrong.

you had such pretty lightning,
but all I heard was thunder.




That simple sentence, is deceptively powerful.